It's the most WONDERFUL tiiiiiiime of the yeeeeear!

Christmas is probably the hardest time to be single - even worse than Valentine's day. At least Valentine's day is one day, not a two-month-long season. What is UP with all these damn Christmas songs about being in love and missing the one you love and unrequited love. BLEH. Can't we just sing about Christmas trees and snow and Santa? (And not mommy making out with Santa either.) And while I am at it! Who the heck decided that some random semi-poisonous plant should inspire strangers to swap spit with each other in the name of holiday cheer? Weren't they worried about mononucleosis in the middle ages?!?

I am always reminded of one of my favourite Friends quotes when Rachel is lamenting being single at this dreadful time of year:
"Hey, y’know, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate being alone this time of year! Next thing you know it’ll be Valentine’s Day, then my birthday, then bang!—before you know it, they’re lighting that damn tree again. Ohh, I want somebody! "
Someone who was single at Christmas obviously wrote that line for Jennifer Aniston. There is no way that someone who hasn't suffered through a bout of terminally singlehood would understand that type of holiday induced chagrin.

HOWEVER. One thing I am thankful for at this most wonderful time of the year is the ability to decide where I spend my holidays. Without a beloved man in my life, I don't have to spend the holidays driving between his family and mine or the agony of deciding who to spend Christmas with this year. The whole sharing the holidays thing is ridiculous. Why doesn't everyone meet in the middle? Why can't parents come to kids? Oh dear...I've started a rant again. Let's quit while I'm ahead.

True Story

This kind of speaks to my last post. And my general outlook on life. I spend so much time trying to acheive what I think I'm supposed to be that I don't pay enough attention to what IS being. Duly noted.

Accomplishment in the Eye of Society

For whatever reason, social convention has often led me to question my accomplishments. For example, I did not attend my 10-year reunion (mostly because I still talk to the people I want in my life...so why bother?) and I am very glad I didn't because I feel like the things I have accomplished since high school are insignificant. For those of you not acquainted with the author of this blog....in the past ten years I have gotten a Bachelor of Arts degree,a Bachelor of Education degree, and a Master of Education degree. I also spent 5 years developing my career and reputation as a teacher and started a cakey-type business. I know these are accomplishments and good ones at that. BUT! Somehow society has led me to belive those accomplishments are insignificant because I am not married, having children, or in any way attached to others in any other union other than friendship.

After explaining all that...I thoroughly enjoyed a moment this weekend where I ran into people I used to go to school with, both of which who are married, one has a child and another on the way, and neither is currently teaching. After standing there chatting and catching up while the aforementioned child ran wildly about....for once! I finally felt like I had the upper hand in the world of accomplishments. These former classmates were incredulous of the things I had done since we saw each other last.

So! While I am still single and feeling moderately inadequate in the realm of expected social accomplishments of your average 28 (almost 29) year-old....I take great pleasure in this small triumph of feeling like I've done something worthwhile in the past 10 years! Huzzah!!

28. Time to do what I want

So, maybe this makes me a weirdo...but I genuinely like hanging out with my parents (and the dog). My parents appreciate my somewhat strange sense of humour (thanks, Dad!) and have endless patience with my OCD ridiculousness. It is usually fun to go shopping with them or take the dog for a walk. Heck, even laying on the couch watching TV with them can be a hoot and a half. Plus, I sometimes have the most amazingly entertaining/frustrating conversations with my Dad that challenge my brain to think outside the box. That is a particularly exciting aspect of things when you consider I spend most of my time with 7 year olds...not too much critical thinking needed there! If I had a significant other, I probably wouldn't spend as much time hanging out with my parents as I do and that would be ten kinds of sad. And thus! Reason 28 being single is amazing is that I get to do whatever I want with my time - even if that means hanging out with my parents is my activity of choice!

Sidebar: Build it...

I was lamenting my current situation as lonely singleton in a world of couples today after school and some colleagues and I got to talking about solutions. The delightful ladies I was chatting with pointed out that another colleague of ours was single for a long time but then built a house, got a girlfriend, and has a baby on the way in just under a year. One of these ladies also pointed out that she was engaged, built a house, got married, and got a dog in just under a year. It seems that the catalyst here is the house building. Taking this revelation into consideration, it was decided that I should build a house and be sure to design some kind of extravagant man cave in the basement to lure the gentlemen callers into my life. A sort of "build it and they will come" philosophy. Now if only I wanted to build a house here.....

27. Bed Hog

When I stay at my parents' house, the dog usually sleeps on my bed. As much as I love that little fur bag, I sleep fitfully when my flipping and flopping is restricted by 22lbs of fur covered paper weight at the end of the bed. Can you imagine how little I would sleep if I had to share with a human-sized bed hog? The horror. I quite enjoy being able to kick and flail, spread out like a starfish, or wrap myself up in blankets like a 400-thread count burrito. Reason number 27 means the only bed hog I need to worry about is the dog....and he usually ditches out after the 6th or 7th time I've thrashed him off the bed.

A sleazy mustache retraction (sort of)

So. My wonderful father brought it to my attention this evening that HE has a mustache and that he was shocked to finally discover the truth that I have hated it all these years. Let me say this Dad(s), mustaches on a man of a certain age look distinguished. And besides, Dad has had a beard for practically his whole life. I'm 95% sure he came out of the womb with some kind of upper lip adornment. He has not grown his mustache for sport or EVER scultped into some kind of facial homage to Hulk Hogan or one of those creepy circus guys who carries around the dumbells. As such, I apologize for defaming my father's legitimate and most dignified moustache. (Even the spelling of moustache gives it an air of superiority, non?)

26. Leftovers

It is a pretty common occurence at my parents' house for one of the two parties to be enquiring as to the whearabouts of last night's leftovers. Thankfully, I am never hunting for leftovers because they are always right where I left them - in the fridge. Cooking for one usually doesn't result in leftovers, but when it does....those babies are ALLLLLL mine!!

25.The man cold

I've been feeling a bit under the weather as of late. You know how it goes in report card season....never-ending dull headache, permanent tiredness, annoying sore throat, general malaise. I suppose that's what you get for choosing to work with tiny walking petri dishes with arms. Anyway. Reason 25 I'm thrilled to be single is that I don't have to cope with the man cold. Considering the manly, burly, beefy nature of the male of the species, it's like the freaking apocalypse when they get a cold. That Nyquil commercial where the guy is laying in bed asking his wife to call his mom is funny because it's true. Maybe it's because men have never had to shoot a watermelon-sized human out of their nether regions (not that I have either, but the notion is in my genetics) that they can't handle a fever and some sniffles.

Happy Sleazy Mustache Month!!

I hate Movember. Don't get me wrong; I'm all for prostate cancer awareness and support..but really? Men worldwide having disgusting and creepy mustaches is supposed to remind me to encourage the men in my life to have their prostates checked regularly??? WHY? And what is up with guys justifying gross facial hair in anyway they can think of? "It's my finals beard." "If I shave, my favourite sports team will lose!" "It's for cancer!" (Insert derisive facial expression/throat noise here.)
Thankfully, as a single lady, I do not need to duck my head in shame when out in public with my hobo-esque significant other. I do not need to pick mustache hair off my lip after a kiss. I also do not need to wake up every morning beside a yeti. I really dodged a bullet with this being single thing. WHEW.

I'm still alive. And still single.

So, I got busy and forgot to blog. But since several people have asked me about it lately, I figured I should get back on the blogwagon and let the single celebrations continue!!

Reason number 23 to be single is what I like to call single lady shaving savings. Now that winter is just around the corner and pants are back in fashion (boo to pants!) there is no good reason to shave these gams. It's a crazy win-win! Showers? Shorter. Legs? Insulated! $3 a piece Razors? Still in the cupboard! Skin? Knick and razor-burn free! What's not to love?! And you poor saps with the boyfriends/fiances/husbands who don't like canoodling with a yeti are stuck keeping up the shaving regime all winter long! That would be single for the win, folks!

22. TV

I'll watch just about anything on TV, but there are some things I just really can't care about. Car shows are one of them. Hockey is another. To be perfectly honest, I'm not crazy about anything on the Spike network either. Today, I spent most of the afternoon watching Community and Drop Dead Diva on Netflix while laying on the couch eating chocolate chips. Reason 22 to be envious of us singletons is not having to pretend to care about/enjoy watching crap your significant other enjoys on tv.

21. Closet Space

Despite the fact that one of my favourite things is to throw things away, I have a lot of stuff in my closet. Not only is my closet on the fullish side but it is meticulously organized by clothing type, colour, length, etc. It is a glorious example of all things closety. Reason number 21 to be single is that I don't have to share any space in my closet with some boy AND I don't need to worry about trying to fit his stupid clothes into my superb organization system. Score!

20. Bed Hog

I don't know how I lived for 23 years sleeping on a twin mattress. I am even more incredulous when I think that others slept in that bed with me simultaneously. HOW?! Even with a queen bed, I can't imagine sharing. As previously mentioned, I am a thrashy sleeper and I flip and flop like a fish out of water. I have woken up laying sideways, on a diagonal, even layed out like a starfish. I've gotten myself all wrapped up in a cocoon of blankets and I've kicked every thread off in my sleep. The great part about being single is that my sleep habits aren't hindering anyone else's sleep patterns and I don't need to feel guilty or endure bitching about my spastic bed behaviour!

19. Onion Rings

I picked up some onion rings for supper on the way out of town tonight. They majorly stunk up the car...so I can't imagine what they did to my breath after eating them or to my clothes after sitting beside them for 20 minutes. Either way, it doesn't matter! Reason number 19 to be single is that there is no one to smell my breath or my clothes, so I could eat onion rings every day for every meal and the only one who would care would be me!

16,17, 18...I suck at blogging.

So once again, I got wrapped up in school starting and fighting to get this reno finished (SO close!) and I forgot to blog. So here I am playing catch up again. Twice in one month? Pathetic.

16. Figuring things out for yourself.
As my Dad so aptly pointed out while I was cursing my inability to jimmy the teeny tiny screws in my towel bar, another great reason to be single is the ability to figure things out for yourself. Sure, it would be WAY easier and about a hundred times less frustrating to have someone swoop in and install the towel bars for me, but what would I learn? Nothing. And you know, that'd be pretty hypocritical considering I permanently etched the saying "Who dares to teach must never cease to learn" into my leg.

17. Whisker burn
I know that guys think the 5 o'clock shadow/2 day scruff is sexy...but it is about 30% more sharp than sexy. No woman wants to go home after a date and slop half a bottle of vaseline on their face so they don't look like they got in a losing battle with a cactus when they wake up in the morning. If you wanna look sexy, fine. But keep that stubble to yourself! And wouldn't you know it? Us single gals don't need to worry about that cactus scruff at all! It's all scruff free over here, ladies! Eat your whisker burned hearts out!

18. Habits
I know this is borrowing from a Sex and the City episode, but those girls know a thing or two about being single. When you are single, you can indulge in your weird/embarassing habits without anyone questioning your sanity. This occured to be last night as I was sanding the thick layer of dried out skin off the bottoms of my feet. I was more than a little grossed out by myself and the amount of dead skin that ended up on the mat. Eww. Now there is a necessary part of sandal season that I certainly would not have to share with a boy. And yes, I could hide in the secrecy of the bathroom and do it...but the side of the tub is not comfortable enough for the time commitment required to sand those babies. Plus, there is no better time to watch trashy/girly tv episodes than while primping and pampering your tootsies.

15. Itza Pizza!

We all know the song..."When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore!!" But let's get real. There is nothing amore-ish about ordering a pizza with a boyfriend. I don't want any fancy junk on my pizza and sometimes I just don't feel like compromising on what toppings I'd like on my slice. Why settle for pepperoni and mushroom when what you REALLY want is ham and pineapple? And don't bother pointing out that you can order a pizza half and half! That's really a scam...the outside of the pizza is usually safe, but the middle of the pizza is usually a hodge podge of the flavours - NOT my cup of tea. Being single means that I can put whatever I want on my pizza....I could put cake on there if I wanted and who would stop me? Reason 15: Because everyone has a favourite kind of pizza for a reason and should not have to settle for second string toppings.

14. No No Drama

Last night (and well into this morning) there was a raging party across the lane. Apart from the fact that this party solidified my dislike of beer pong, drunken idiots, and ditzy cackling girls, it also reminded me why it is delightful to not have a drunken boyfriend. Around 3am, some hooligan was yelling and pushing his girlfriend around and then lost his mind when some other party-goers came to her defense. He went on to scream for about 45 minutes about how this girl was a harlot (my word, not his) and was performing favours for everyone at the party and threatened to take on anyone and everyone who was taking advantage of her harlotry (which, as it turns out, was no one). At about 4am, his yelling screaming temper tantrum ended and he melted into a sobbing mess laying outside my window bemoaning the fact that everyone hates him and his girlfriend will probably never speak to him again. (Seriously, dude? You thought she would come running back to you after you ran your mouth all over town about how trashy and promiscuous she was?) Now that I have had about 18 hours to nap and get over my rage/annoyance over the whole debaucle, I've come to decide that today is a great day to be single. No one sullying my good name, no one shoving me in the alley, no one sobbing on the ground in a dark parking lot in a hysterical fit of regret. Reason number 14 to be single comes from the infinite wisdom of the BEP's classic My Humps: "You don't want no drama
No no drama no no no no drama"

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for this message from Bitter Betty

For those of you who don't know, I started this blog right after being told for the third time in my life that I am unmarriable. You read that right, UNMARRIABLE. The first time this assessment was made was when I was 14. It has always been one of those annoying little brain recordings that gets louder every time I end a relationship and it gets me thinking...what if boyfriend A was right and I AM unmarriable. Then, in 2005ish or something, another lovely gentleman told me I was "okay but nothing really spectacular" and went on to tell me that I'm not the type of girl someone marries. I had been seeing this guy for about 3 months and had never even gone on a real date. How are you supposed to demonstrate your spectactularity in someone's living room watching bad horror movies?! And finally, just recently, I was informed yet again that I was funny and attractive, but not the kind of girl anyone would marry. THIS particular jerk made that assessment after spending less than 10 hours total with me. Apparently it takes less and less time to determine my unmarriability as I get older. And here's where Bitter Betty gets me thinking ALL the time: If I'm not marriable, what qualities make someone marriable??? As far as stereotypical wifehood goes, I'm practically Stepford Wife material (minus the weird robotics). I am a domestic goddess - I love to cook and am reasonably proficient at it, I bake enough goodies that I started a business, I have designed and sewn almost every halloween costume I've worn since 2004, and I am an obsessive cleaner. Even when it comes to a modern take on wifehood - I renovated my entire apartment almost entirely by myself. I patched, I sanded, I painted, I lacquered; I helped lay down flooring and  I built all the furniture I bought! Last summer I helped build a garage and did the shingling in a strapless dress. Yes, a DRESS! Add to that the fact that I am funny, thoughtful, and loyal and I'm like the whole freaking package! So tell me, dear readers, what am I missing? What qualities do I need to acquire to become marriable?

13. In-laws

Almost all of my friends are married...so I have heard my fair share of scary in-law stories. I've even experienced some of these in-laws first hand and their horribleness was not overstated. Once upon a time when I was still dating, I was always disliked by my boyfriend's parents. I have no idea why, but there were some pretty intense feelings of dislike being thrown around. Thankfully, in my perpetually single existence, I don't have to deal with any wretched in-law drama. Reason 13!

12. Sloppy Joe

My best friend and I used to joke back in high school about how the classy choice for first date food would be corn on the cob or spaghetti and meatballs. Not surprisingly, messy foods generally don't woo the opposite sex to fall for you. Today I ate the messiest burger ever and slopped many parts of it on the table while covering my hands and face with mustard. The burger was so delicious that I didn't care how ridiculous I looked....I enjoyed every bite. Later on, we went to the Marble Slab and I proceeded to get hot fudge on my cheekbone and all over the table. Again, it was delicious and I just didn't care. Reason 12 being single rocks is being able to eat all the messy foods you want without the risk of humiliating yourself in front of someone you expect to find you attractive after the meal is over.

11. I have a headache!

The cliche line used to avoid canoodling with a significant other is actually a really great reason to be single. I had a killer headache last night and all I wanted to do was lay on the couch in the dark and feel sorry for myself. I didn't want to talk to anyone and I certainly didn't want anyone bothering me or fighting me for the remote. Thanks to my perpetual singlehood, I was free to hoard the remote and wallow in an advil induced haze...which makes reason number 11 that it is awesome to be single.

10. Recognition as an intelligent being

As much as we'd all like to think that the world has progressed to a point where women are real people with brains and everything, there are a lot of times when that seems to be a big fat delusion. At the hardware store for example, when I go with a male companion, the sales associates addresses him first. Even when it is made obvious that I am the one looking for something, many comments are directed at my compatriot instead of me. Granted, this isn't always the case but it happens far more often than I appreciate. When I can tackle the store on my own, the interactions tend to be far more favourable. And so, reason number 10 to enjoy being single is being recognized as a human being who is capable of understanding and undertaking projects typically completed men.

7, 8, 9....I didn't give up! Honest!

Can you believe I couldn't even make 7 straight days of blogging? Ridiculous. I've been quite busy with driving back and forth, bridal showering, renovating, and saying farewell to a friend who is off to England on Wednesday for an entire year! Needless to say, some things took precedence over blogging.

Which brings me to reason number 7 why being single is awesome - I don't need to apologize or ask forgiveness from anyone (except all you loyal blog readers!) for being busy. I can tend to my responsibilities and whims without offending anyone or having to consider their schedule.

On a similar yet marginally different note, reason number 8 being single is fantastic is being able to follow your passions with reckless abandon. I recently finished my masters degree and I can't even begin to imagine completing it while having the added responsibility of a significant other. I stayed up late working on research and papers, I talked about instructional design A LOT, the house was covered in books in articles for school, and I spent many weekends driving back and forth to Saskatoon for class. I never even stopped to consider how my hectic schedule would affect anyone else and I even used the fact that I am single to justify pursuing my third degree at such a young age. Could there be a better time to do it? I think not.

And last, number 9. While doing these renovations, I end up looking like a sweaty hobo most of the time. I'm 90% sure I smell bad most evenings, regularly have some kind of reno remnant stuck in my hair, and have developed fairly large circles under my eyes. Do I care? Not really. I'll admit, I at least try to pick the junk out of my hair if I have to run to the store or something but if I'm staying at the house, I embrace my inner hobo. There are times I don't even bother showering before bed...I just clean off the grimiest parts and climb into bed; I'm just going to get dirtier tomorrow, so why bother?

6. Party Pooper

You know when you are dating someone and you go to a party or gathering of one of your friends and you have to babysit your date to make sure they are having a good time? I hate that. Everyone hates that. In a nutshell, reason number 6 being single rocks is being able to go to a party and not having to worry about anyone having fun but me! Well, and the hostess.

5. Being in the doghouse

I spent the night on the couch last night because I am just a wonderful daughter who lets my Dad-dad take the bed while he is here helping with renos. The couch, while lovely for laying around watching tv or curling up to read a book, is NOT a bed. Perhaps it would be more suitable for those corpse-type sleepers, but I am a thrasher and there is certainly no room for thrashing on the couch!! Now I know that typically when there is a squabble between a couple, it is usually the male who ends up on the couch for the night. But in the name of gender equality, let's say that us ladies might spend a night or two on the couch in the midst of a lovers' spat. For this reason, I am very thankful to be single so that I never have to endure a hiss-fit fueled night on the couch!

4. Bad Grammar

This may be a person-specific entry, but it's my blog so I'll post what I please! I am a stickler for proper grammar. I have an English degree, I'm a teacher, I have read the book Eats, Shoots, and Leaves at least 6 times, and I can spy a punctuation mistake from a 100ft range (depending how big the writing is, of course). For the most part, I can deal with the occasional written mistake but when those mistakes are perpetuated verbally, it really boils my potatoes. I think the worst one for me is hearing people say "I seen" instead of I saw. "I seen Joe at the supermarket yesterday" is not a legitimate sentence in any language and if you think it IS legitimate, I'm sorry to tell you that you are wrong....and possibly an idiot...but I digress. I have to admit that I have dated people with bad grammar in general and who used "I seen" specifically. I lowered my language usage standards in the name of "love" and for that I am truly saddened. Reason number 5 being single is the bee's knees: being single means I can be the snobbiest grammar nazi in all the land and not have to learn to tolerate anyone's inappropriate use of the English language!

3. Road Trip DJ

Nothing makes the boredom of a long drive on Saskatchewan highways seem more bearable than a kick ass playlist as the soundtrack to your travels. We've all got our guilty pleasures in music and when you're travelling solo, you can listen to all the ridiculous tunes you like cranked up to drown out the world waiting just outside your car door. There is no silly guy there to witness your shameful love of 90s pop music or judge you as you belt out Adele lyrics like you are on the Grammy stage. The third reason being single is awesome is the ability to be the undisputed road trip party DJ.

2. Alarm Clocks

I'm a teacher, and so I enjoy about 6 glorious classroom-free weeks every summer. The thing I enjoy most about being on holidays is being able to wake up whenever I feel like. Sometimes that is 7am, sometimes it is 11am, but it is always when my body decides it is time to get up. I avoid alarm clocks in the summer whenever possible. In fact, half the time the clock in my room isn't even set to the right time. Most people are not fortunate enough to get the holidays that teachers enjoy (or crazy enough to spend 8 hours a day with thirty 6 year olds, for that matter) and are forced to wake to an alarm clock during the summer months. And that, my friends, is the second reason being single is bliss - I don't have to wake up to the annoying MEHMEHMEH of some one else's alarm clock and then pretend to feel sorry for them while they trudge off to the office while I lay swaddled in a cocoon of blankets.

1. Selfish Renovation Decisions

I have spent my summer renovating my apartment. While I am certain the whole process would have been easier and faster with the help of someone stronger and handier than I am, I must admit that it has been wonderful to have unilateral decision making power. I chose the colours (Purple for the bedroom? Yes please!), the furniture, the bedding (Purple and grey with embroidered FLOWERS), the art...it's all what I wanted. I did not have to compromise to find a middle ground, I didn't have to consult anyone else before making a purchase, it was DELIGHTFUL. So there you have it people, reason number 1 being single is awesome is the ability to choose to make your abode obscenely girly without having to worry about offending the delicate sensibilities of some guy who doesn't know the difference between aubergine and heliotrope.

Stop the Insanity!

I've been single (more or less) since April 2005. I've hated being single since about August 2005. I've tried online dating and then sworn to never do it again only to repeat the whole process after about 6 months (HOW do I forget the horror after only 6 months?!), I've tried meeting people in real life, I've tried being set up, I've tried to enjoy being single. All the while...I've been not-so-secretly hating the whole process and generally wallowing in the humiliation of being the only person in my circle of friends who is terminally single.

Einstein once defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So I figure it is time to put the insanity to an end. Instead of being a Bitter Betty about the whole being single thing, I've decided to try and find one positive thing to say about being single EVERY freaking day for 365 days. You can call it my version of the gratitude project, or the "what went well" project that have both been so popular on Facebook. I'm going to call it The Singleton Project. I'm sure there will be some sidebars and setbacks along the way, but here goes: 365 reasons being single is best. Or, at least why it sucks less than you think.